My Case of Unluck
by Cetesy
Summary: The name's Lupin, Remus Lupin. As a werewolf, painful transformations and unaccommodating cravings are my habit. As an incredibly awkward being, it seems I will never find a girl willing to put up with me. Excuse me while I go bang my head against a wall.
1. The After Taste of Rodents

Disclaimer: Anything you recognize from the Harry Potter series belongs to J.K. Rowling.

Summary: The name's Lupin, Remus Lupin. I generally suck at life and am smitten with my best friend's cousin. 'Scuse me while I go bang my head against a wall. MWPPera LupinOC

**Author's Note: **

**I'm back! Okay, so everyone knows by now that I am a complete and total spaz when it comes to uploading stories. The summers are the only time I have to write and this has resulted in a mass abandonment of my three other stories.**

**I want to make it clear that **_**this**_** story will not be abandoned. I have been rereading my old pieces and they just make me cringe. I got bored with my other stories and I'm trying to be really careful with the plot of this story so I don't get bored with it and leave it on a cliffhanger like I did the last one.**

**Of course, this story isn't heavy by any means. It's light humor/romance fiction and I'm enjoying writing it.**

**Putting all of that aside, I hope all of you that have me on alert and are reading this don't hate me too much, and I hope you all enjoy reading my new story!**

The excessive use of ramblings within multiple parentheses are simply fitting to Remus' off-the-wall character, so I hope they don't bother you too much ;)

**Chapter One. The After Taste of Rodents**

I have this theory. Mind you it's a 'rough draft' kind of idea, so don't expect too much out of it.

Life, in the vague and general meaning of the word, can go two ways for people (yes, only two ways).

There's your Plain Janes and your Average Joes who've been blessed that though their lives may not be entirely simplistic, they are able to strike a date with luck once in a while.

Those lucky bastards consist of about ninety percent of the world's population. The other ten percent (including myself of course) are, to put it simply, cursed for a life filled with unlucky situations and mishaps that ultimately just screw you over.

I say there are ten percent of us in hopes that I am not entirely alone in the world with my case of _unluck_.

Come to think of it, I probably am.

I realize that it would be seemingly pathetic to ramble off a list as to why I am so damned unfortunate, but seeing that Peter is busy picking a seed out of his teeth (which he's been working on since lunch, three hours ago), Sirius is playing Gobstones with himself (he'll do anything to avoid writing that Potion's essay), and James is mulling over what to get Lily for her birthday (but forget the fact that she'd probably burn the present without even opening it out of spite); I may as well proceed (this must by the longest sentence known to mankind).

Proof as to Why I Am Unlucky…

Utterly Unlucky:

One. I am a werewolf. Painful transformations and unaccommodating cravings are my habit. You haven't lived until you wake up one morning with the after taste of _rodent_ in your mouth. Of course, my best friends make matters better, what with being animagi…animaguses…um…

But after missing a few classes every month, repercussions such as make-up work are a total bitch.

Two. You would think, what with having a Quidditch Captain (James) and Mister Suave (Sirius) as friends, their poise would have rubbed off on me after six years.

Not so much. I am Mr. Uncoordinated Extraordinaire (not to mention Mr. Makes up Not-So-Witty Nicknames on the side). I would compare my poise to Peter's as well, but seeing that the boy doesn't move around much, I can't conclude anything from my observations (he is a particularly a lazy, _lazy_ bloke).

Three. I take Ancient Runes. Ancient Runes is taught by Professor Pulliwock. Professor Pulliwock is a forty-eight year old spinster who as aged not so gracefully. In my fifth year, Professor Pulliwock sent me a Valentine's Day card…with hearts and lace on it. I hate Ancient Runes.

Four. I am hopelessly smitten with a girl who is most definitely out of boundaries for the likes of me. Lena Coulter. Lena, Lena, Lena. What can I say? She's a vegetarian, humanitarian, and a social butterfly, if you can believe it.

I'm not sure she would respect me too much if she found out about my horrifyingly un-vegetarian diet of rats, birds, and any other accessible meat come full moon. I am also not much of a humanitarian, as I've never felt much sympathy for the trees ever since I climbed the large beech on the grounds and got stuck in third year. And I am most definitely not a social butterfly. But I'm sure that piece of information can be concluded through my previous ramblings without me having to point it out.

And above all, she is James Potter's cousin.

James and Lena are as close as siblings. And her being a fifth year (a your younger than us), James couldn't be possibly more protective or hound-like when it comes to Lena and dating.

Nevertheless, she sure does date.

Her most recent boyfriend was Roger Maves, a sixth-year prefect from Hufflepuff. He feigned the 'nice guy' attitude but on their last date at Hogsmeade, Roger made such a sleazy move on her that his groin is still recovering in the hospital wing.

So besides that fact that I never want to be Lena's ex on the receiving end of one of her punches, I also have to admit that I quite enjoy being her friend at the moment (and also would hate to think of what pain James may or may not inflict on me, as I am currently unaware of how he feels about his best mate digging on his sort-of-sister).

That being said, I may have to just settle for what my unlucky life has to offer, seeing that the chance of any type of 'Lena and I' scenario is quite unlikely.

In other words, I am a cowardly lion (please excuse my use of the character from the Wizard of Oz. Muggle Studies has really gotten to me).

But for amusement's sake, I have to add that Peter would definitely be the tin man (because he too has a _rattling_ quality when frightened), Sirius would be the scarecrow (because I suspect him of being a secret pyromaniac, which would be ironic considering his flammable qualities), and James would have to be Dorothy (simply because I have caught him singing along to show tunes on more than one occasion).

And though this course of reminiscence has been a pleasure, it's time that my friends and I embark of yet another prank, to which, today, I am looking forward to since I need to blow off some steam (sitting around all day on one's ass can cause a lot of stress).

Cheerio!

(And yes, I insist on continuing the phrase 'cheerio' even though Sirius told me I need to stop trying to make it happen, as the expression put a most un-heterosexual light on me, to which I say, who cares?)

OK, I'm _really_ going now.


	2. Let's Talk About Sex

**Author's note: I'm incredibly sorry I haven't updated for 7 weeks. That's really horrible of me but in all honesty I haven't had computer access for the past 6 weeks so it really couldn't be helped.**

**Anyways, I would like to thank everyone for your reviews (they are what kept me excited to come back from Europe and post new chapters soon) and I hope you all enjoy reading this!**

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**Chapter Two. Let's Talk About Sex**

It happened about ten minutes into Transfiguration, which is possibly the worst class for 'It' to occur during since McGonagall constantly looks like she's ready to cut off someone's balls for bad behavior.

Roger Maves (yes, Lena's ex, now back from the hospital wing fully recovered, unfortunately) walked into Transfiguration horribly late (since even rookies know that the maximum amount of time one can be tardy with a false yet convincing explanation under McGonagall's nose is seven minutes).

McGonagall eyed Roger with sheer disapproval. "Well, to what may I owe the _pleasure_?" She asked icily.

When a box of condoms toppled out of Roger's half zipped back pack, Sirius corrected with glee, "To _whom_, it seems, Professor."

I have no idea how Sirius gets away with comments like that, but I suppose, after six years fraught with detentions, McGonagall's warmed up to him.

Either that or she's way to busy thinking of ways to punish Roger (poor bloke).

The whole room was silent as the dark blue box fell onto its side with a lonely _thump_.

Roger stared at the box, absolutely mortified but unable to do anything about it.

I wanted him to understand my telepathic messages, _Pick it up now! Save yourself while you can, man!_

But he didn't seem to have received them. McGonagall snatched up the box with a mingled expression of fury and contempt.

The classroom stayed silent (except for a few gasps), simmering in shock. I swear I heard Roger whimper, but I can't be too sure since the classroom has its fair share of squeaky chairs.

McGonagall, with quite a steady hand, pointed at the door. Roger turned around, his head slumping so far down it was in danger of falling off, and he began his walk of shame out of the classroom. When the two disappeared through the doorway, McGonagall stuck her head back in, and with a stern face, said, "Open your books to page 200 and begin reading the chapter. _No talking_."

The class gulped, as an answer, and we gave it a good thirty seconds before anyone breathed openly, then suddenly-

"Ho-ly-shit!"

"Some one got _laid_!"

"He's so, _so_ screwed."

"You're right, he _is_ screwed!"

And I was enjoying myself, joking with my friends, laughing my good old ass off, until Peter said it.

"I wonder if he ever needed to use condoms with Lena."

I found myself grabbing for something to hold onto as I toppled off my stool and hit my head on the marble floor in a spectacular fashion. At the same time James was stooped over in mid laugh, his eyes as round as two full moons and a look of utter horror frozen on his face.

"Remus, mate, you alright?" Sirius stood up and gave me a hand, but I couldn't take it. I couldn't do much of anything for the moment actually, because I had been stunned into temporary paralysis.

Lena and Roger? Condoms? Why condoms?

Why?

_Why_?

And then it registered in words (and a few pictures, as it was bound to do. I'm telling you, it was a spectacular fall). The words Lena, Roger, and condoms in one sentence meant-

"_No_," I said without thinking.

Being the only one who had heard me, Sirius gave me a peculiar look.

Peter was looking apologetically at James, who had shakily returned to his seat and was sitting quiet still, holding the expression one would have if one realized something utterly horrid such as leaving your baby at the market (which my parents did to me accidentally when I was three. I suppose that would explain a lot...).

"_No_," James said, not realizing he had just echoed my own words. He narrowed his eyed as his face turned pink, "They wouldn't…she wouldn't…"

"Would she?" I asked. No one answered.

----

It's not as if _we_, the bleeding Marauders, are prude.

Sirius already lost his virginity last summer when he was visiting his Uncle Something Something.

(And no, he didn't lose it with his uncle…Merlins _no_!)

He met a girl named Sydney, who only spoke French, but _apparently_ they had a great connection, seeing that they were able to drop their pants to overcome the language barrier.

Stupid French.

I know it sounds absolutely terrible, but I was a bit jealous. It figures he gets the 'summer romance' which can be summed up in three-ish words: Ba-boom, ba-bang, buh-bye! (This deliciously corny phrase is Sirius' product. Who else?)

He got off completely scott free too. Evidently, Sydney wasn't looking for anything _serious_ out of it.

Stupid, stupid French.

James, on the other hand, is saving himself for Lily. He plans to shag her or die trying. His words, not mine.

I can't say much for his chances on the matter. Today she refrained from calling him a wanker when he tripped a fifth year. That's a start I suppose.

Peter's tale is a sad one, and always a touchy spot for him and me.

His then girlfriend, Lydia, of a month told him it was _time_ at the end of fifth year. Apparently, the _time_ was so urgent that any broom cupboard would do.

Unfortunately, I was on prefect duties.

Peter claimed I should have recognized his voice and not opened the door, to which I told him that never before had I heard him _moan_ and had no way of knowing it was him unless he had put a sign up (which, come to think of it, may be a good idea. He's not the only one I've walked in on in a broom cupboard).

And as for me, I'm a hopeless virgin. Not that I regret it. When the time comes, all I can hope for is that I don't screw it up.

Actually, the furthest I've gotten with a girl is trying to unclasp her bra (her being Sara Allen in fifth year) at which I failed miserably.

The clasp poked my finger and drew blood (how I managed to be tender enough to be bullied by a bloody blunt clasp is a nightmarish misfortune).

Sara became easily queasy, and seeing the dot of blood, (damn dot!) she passed out.

It was an absolute nightmare to dress her back up while she was passed out and I was immensely glad no one was roaming that particular aisle in the library (the shelves of romance novels had been collecting dust for a while.).

I took her up to the hospital wing where Madam Merlot had impossibly difficult questions to hound me with.

I ignored them all by explaining that Sara had passed after seeing my paper cut and Madam Merlot shot me a reproving look when she spotted the hickey on Sara's neck, but didn't say a thing.

Needless to say, Sara never really spoke to me again, apart from the time Slughorn paired us up in Potions for the day and she offered to chop off my unmentionables with her knife (with which she was angrily dicing roots) and I kindly rejected her offer.

So while some of us have had misfortunate or nonexistent sex lives, prudence is not the reason behind our outrage at the idea of Lena and Roger…_fornicating_!

Well I suppose it's just James' outrage (mine being a secret, of course).

But I wasn't expecting James to just come right out and ask Lena, which is exactly what he did later at lunch.

And when he asked her, ever so bluntly, "Did you ever have sex with Roger Maves?" I wasn't expecting anything less than an excellent hex on Lena's part.

For a moment, she just stood there, looking at James with eyes that exuded fury.

I was afraid I would miss her answer (if, at this rate, it would even come) because my heart was beating too loudly from fear of what her answer may have been.

"So what if I did? You going to lecture me, are you?"

Lena was about to stalk off when James sputtered, "_Did_ you?"

"NO," she barked, face-palming James in her anger and leaving two very relieved boys at the table.

James looked properly ashamed when Lena stalked away, her blond hair swinging side to side.

I suppose I was hoping for an answer like, "I dumped him because I'd rather shag Remus."

But as I am known and renowned for my fanatical day dreams (and because life has it in for me) she, of course, hadn't said anything of the sort.

Feeling sizably relieved and grateful that it had not been a worse answer, I let out a long breath I hadn't even known I'd been holding. Sirius raised his eyebrow, amusement dancing in his eyes.

Right, well, I'll have to deal with that bloke later. Currently, there's a bowl of vanilla pudding with my name on it.

----

Later that same day, we found out that Lena hadn't taken well to James' interrogation. He was currently at the hospital wing where Madam Merlot was attempting to remove the blonde ringlets that had appeared on his head when Lena had passed him in the common room (talk about passive aggressive).

It was eleven now, and James still wasn't back, unfortunately for him (although, I definitely didn't miss his horrid snoring).

I got up and tip toed out of the dorm after making sure that Sirius and Peter's steady breathes were valid. I suppose I fancied myself a walk, a pace in front of the common room fire, or time to fantasize that Lena would somehow be there.

I'm buggered, I know.

The common room was dark except for the fireplace that had a few small flames and cast a flickering light only a few feet in front of it. I sat on the couch, not for a moment expecting anyone to speak into my ass.

"Get your ass off of my _face_," came a muffled voice. I shot out of the seat, having nearly peed myself silly (and I mean this in the manliest way possible of course).

And suddenly, I was sitting next to Cousin It from the Adam's Family.

Ok so it was just Callista Murdoc with her hair in her face but still, that's a sight to remember.

"Cali?"

"Remus?" She asked, pulling her hair out of her face and into a ponytail, "I should have known it was you. Who else could have such a bony ass?"

This was not Calista's first run in with said bony ass. I accidentally sat on here in the stands once during a Quidditch match between Slytherin and Hufflepuff. Said bony ass has yet to live it down.

"What are you doing here this late?" She asked grumpily.

"I could ask the same to you," and I thought I was being so cool until she said-

"Then why don't you?"

"What…err," strange girl, that one.

"_Why_ don't you ask me why I was here?"

"I…thought I was…," could this be a more confusing conversation?

"Yes I suppose you were. Now only if I could understand your 'err' and 'uhh' speak, I'd be set!" Calista suddenly broke into a grin, "_Honestly_, the way you talk, one would think it was _your_ voice muffled under someone's ass!"

"Oh, right, sorry about that," I apologized.

"No real harm done," she replied, rubbing her check good naturedly. "I couldn't sleep, so I came down here. Turns out I _could_ sleep, and the couch was perfect for the job," she answered my apparently unasked question.

"I couldn't sleep either," try 'I'm bordering insomnia'.

"Girl trouble?"

"What makes you think that?" I for one think it's absolutely creepy that girls can tell these things. It poses potentially mortifying opportunities for me to be quite embarrassed.

"You have that panicky look like someone's just set your books on fire or something."

Calista was smirking. I don't like it when that girl smirks. She's got this smirky smirk that's just so…smirky.

When I didn't answer, (as I shouldn't have! A man's love life is his own business!) she looked at me expectantly, "Stuck on your nonexistent love life?"

Damn.

"Well…," is it going to help me to lie? "It's hopeless actually."

"Lena doesn't notice you?"

"Pretty mu- how did you know it was her?"

"Do you have any idea that you've mastered the art of 'making eyes' at people?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"As obvious as a black bra under a white t-shirt."

"_What_?"

"Bad incident today. Don't ask."

"Wouldn't you feel better if you told me?"

"_No_, and stop trying to change the subject. Lena doesn't notice you. What do you plan to do about it?"

"I _knew_ it!"

And for the second time in the same night, I nearly peed myself silly.

Sirius towered over me with a triumphant expression; James' invisibility cloak was in his hand.

Bugger.

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**Okay so the next chapter is personally my favorite so far (as I've already started on it) so leave some reviews (praise, criticism, hatemail - it all helps).**

**Or let me know what you thought of Deathly Hollows, because I'm dying to talk to someone about it ;)**


	3. With Your Dignity Around Your Ankles

**Author's Note: hey everyone. thanks again for the wonderful reviews! I really appreciate it :)**

**Enjoy!**

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**Chapter Three: With Your Dignity Around Your Ankles**

There are many occurrences that I have come to accept will never happen to me. The Beatles will never decide that a fifth, clumsy, talent-less addition (like me!) may be good for their career. I will never be able to grow a moustache to rival Bert Reynolds'. And I will never run into Farrah Fawcett on the streets and have her fall madly in love with my bookish good looks (Can you tell that Muggle Studies rubbed off on me? The culture chapter was most memorable.)

Most of all, I never once expected to be handcuffed to a suit of armor (which is incredibly difficult to turn over, I learned, as I vainly tried to make a run for it) in the middle of a corridor with my pants around my ankles and my wand conveniently in Lizzy Prewinns' possession.

I also thought it was impossible to implode, but the way Lizzy's abominable giggling pierces my ears, I may just have to. (It seems to be the only sensible option since Lizzy tucked my wand into her sock (WHO _DOES_ THAT?) and is now giving me a terrifying look that I'd rather not describe.)

"Remus, act at least a little excited. You don't need to be so _nervous_."

Lizzy has the kind of voice that is funny on someone who's drunk and decided to inhale helium. Since Lizzy is not drunk (she's **insane** like this most of the time) and there isn't any source of helium that she may have pinched off of, I have to conclude that this is her actual voice. Well, more pain for me then.

"Lizzy," I try to steady my voice. Try, but fail. "_Why _are you doing this?"

Confusion and hurt darken her face, "I thought you liked me."

I am aware that I could play the Mr. Sensitive card, but seeing that I am in a rather compromising position and my only escape is to bash my head against the wall, I'm feeling a bit reckless, "And what, pray tell, has given you that idea?"

Somehow, I knew the answer before it came, "Well, Sirius Black told me you were lonely and needed a bit of _fun_."

"Is this supposed to be fun?"

"Of course."

"If I were to tell you that I am, in no possible way, having fun, would you let me go?"

"No, silly. The _real_ fun hasn't even started."

And to my utter horror, she _hugs_ me (and if you must know, her dark hair is very frizzy and big and despite the situation I am trying not to giggle at how ticklish it is against my chin).

Sirius sodding Black is going to have a lot to pay for.

If only he hadn't heard Calista and I in the common room that night. If only he'd decided to stay out of my non-existent love life. If only Calista had said yes to the plan (if only Lizzy would stop biting my neck! It _hurts_!).

**-Last Night-**

"I knew it!"

Sirius towered over me with a triumphant expression; James' invisibility cloak was in his hand.

For a few seconds, I was rendered incapable of making noises out of my mouth, but words eventually found me (as they always do), "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough to know you have an exceptionally bony ass and that you fancy _Lena_!"

The only thought that I could process in my head was _shit_.

This crucial piece of information (my smitten-ness…if that can even be passed off as a word) is dangerous in the hands of a person like Sirius. He has a notably larger mouth than Cassy Waters (who, to give you an idea, knows about any "juicy" piece of gossip before it actually occurs).

But of course, Sirius took advantage of my shocked silence.

"James might just kill you mate."

"Well thank you Sirius. I wonder why I never told you before so you could offer me this kind of encouragement!" My sarcasm never fails me (not even in the most earnest of times).

"Why _didn't_ you tell him before?" Calista looked between us with a bemused expression.

"She's right!" Sirius (the wanker) put on a pout, "Why _didn't_ you tell me? Do you not love me anymore?"

"Because," I responded while chucking a pillow at the idiot next to me, "Sirius, here, cannot keep a secret for the life of him."

"I can too keep secrets, _Moony_!"

"Is that how Weiss Flinkman found out I called him ponce and decided to pummel me for it? Because you kept your good old mouth shut?"

"Well I personally think that being given a wedgie was a good learning experience for you."

"Yes of course. When I go to a job interview now I get to say that I have, in fact, had clothing jarred up my ass and am fully equipped for whatever further obstacles may lay ahead of me."

Sirius tut-tutted for a few moments, "You're straying very far from the topic of discussion."

"There is no topic to discuss," I responded stonily, standing up to leave.

Calista grabbed me by my pajama bottoms (it was a small miracle I didn't get de-pantsed) and pulled me back to the couch, "Exactly. You haven't made _any_ moves on Lena!"

"I like the way this girls talks!" Sirius said jovially.

"What exactly do you plan to do about it?"

"Nothing."

Sirius choked back a laugh (because he's such an amazing friend and all), "Absolutely nothing?"

"No." And I could hear Calista mutter something that sounded peculiarly like 'wimp' under her breath.

"Well good then, because I've got something planned for you."

"Absolutely not!" I tried to get up again, but now Sirius and Calista were on either side of me, dragging me back to the couch.

"Wait, I want to hear this!" Calista held onto my arm and looked attentively at Sirius.

"Good, because this concerns you as well."

"What?" She immediately let go of my arm (Thank goodness. The girl has a death grip!) and looked a bit put out.

"How willing are you to help Remus?"

"_Why_?"

Well I just love how this conversation is going. Go ahead Sirius, ignore me and my dignity (the very small part of it that's left, at least) entirely!

"I was thinking," (well that's dangerous) Sirius continued, "that if _you_," he said, looking at Calista, "were to pretend to be an item with _him_, you could make Lena jealous."

Calista began to laugh (ladies and gentlemen, you know you have reached an all time social low when one of your best friends not only can't even _pretend_ to be an item with you, but also laughs openly at the idea), "One, we don't know if Lena even likes Remus enough to be jealous, and two, well…_no_," she said, laughing once again.

"We could find out if she _does_ like him if she gets jealous though!" Sirius said earnestly.

"It's a terribly stupid idea-"

"OK, fine! Remus, what do you think?" Sirius asked, turning to me pointedly.

I gave Calista the 'raised eye brow look' but she sat, expressionless, with her arms crossed. Cue the excessively long sigh folks. "It _could_ work."

"_Good_ man!" (Really Sirius, you didn't have to pat me on the back _that_ hard! And I am not only a _good_ man. I am a _great_ man…OK, let's continue.)

Sirius and I now turned to Calista, giving her what I can only describe as the unbearably pathetic puppy eyes. "It just…opens a can of worms. It's a very messy idea."

"Worms?" Sirius gave an involuntary shudder. (OK, story time children. Sirius' 16th birthday, we sneak out to a bar that serves this horrid Spanish tequilas that have a worm at the bottom. You are not supposed to swallow the worm. Sirius' swallows the worm. Sirius feels said cretin squirm its way down his esophagus. Sirius isn't the same ever again.)

Calista ignored Sirius' unusual behavior and continued, "Why _should_ I?"

"Because you _know_ things," I answered simply.

"You _do_ seem to be peculiarly in the _loop_ with these girls…women…things," Sirius eyed Calista with curiosity.

"Yes well, girls tend to tell each other everything," she said with a bit of irritation.

Sirius delivered her a blank stare, "And seeing that I'm a girl…." (Oh God, I see where this is going!)

Another blank stare from my idiot of a friend prompted Calista to stand up from the couch in indignation, "You can't possibly believe that stupid rumor about me being a psychic, can you?"

"Oh of course not," Sirius replied hurriedly, clutching his forehead and muttering nonsensical sounds.

"What are you doing then?" Calista chucked a pillow at his head. I, being the smart gentleman that I am, hid behind the couch, because I have experienced Calista's aim, and it rarely misses (and seeing that there's a textbook in her reach, I'd rather not take any chances).

"I'm closing my mind off from you!" Sirius continued to clutch his head while ducking from the merciless cushions being thrown around. "Oh _come on_ I'm only kidding!"

Suddenly, the pour of cushions ceased. I wasn't fooled, of course, but Sirius poked his head out from his hiding spot (a chair in which he had taken refuge under) only to receive a face on collision with the aforementioned textbook (_**Ouch**_).

Copious shrieks, four more textbooks, two precariously large metal looking lamps (and a partridge in a pear tree) later, Calista had gone back to her dorm, leaving behind a battered and solemn Sirius.

And then there was me, plan-less and woman-less.

"There's always Lizzy Prewinns, mate." Sirius looked at me with a half-teasing, half-not-teasing-but-more-torturing grin.

"No."

"Why?"

"_Why_? Because she's a basket case. A very large basket case. One that could possibly fit a hen inside it."

"But she's an _easy_ basket case."

"No - just please, whatever you do, don't involve anyone else in this, _especially_ Lizzy Prewinns."

**-----**

And here I am, stuck to a suit of armour with my dignity around my ankles.

As I watch Lizzy slowly unbutton her shirt, I realize, this is it. I may just be losing my virginity while being hand-cuffed to a suit of armor under the most un-kinky circumstances (in my opinion, at least).

Alright Remus, you've got two choices. Either take it like a man, or scream shrilly like your Aunt Phoebe taught you to.

Lizzy's glossed lips loomed closer to my face, so I closed my eyes - and screamed.

Okay not really… but I wanted to _so_ badly when I tasted her watermelon flavored gloss.

And because I was too distracted by this horrid loon of a girl pressed against me I hadn't even heard the determined footsteps from behind me - or the outraged throat clearing - but I most definitely _did _hear Professor McGonnagal scream "REMUS LUPIN! WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME ARE YOUR PANTS DOING AROUND YOUR - LIZZY PREWINNS, IS THAT YOU?"

I think that this is the point in my life where I begin to accept that when things cannot possibly get worse, they will.

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**Okay so please let me know what you thought! Any feedback would be wonderful.**


	4. The Wrath of Karma

**Author's Note: **

**School is starting in one week. This means my entire life will be devoured by the monster that is homework/extracurriculars. I'm really sorry because updates _are_ going to be slow. I hope you keep a bit of patience with me for the upcoming chapters. Thanks!**

**By my standards, this is an incredibly long chapter. It turned out to by a LOT longer than I expected. I just couldn't stop writing!**

**Enjoy.**

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**Chapter Four: The Wrath of Karma**

"Get out now. The both of you."

Lizzy and I got up to leave but seeing that I wanted to avoid the chance of being alone with her, I lagged behind a bit. She looked at me with "sultry" eyes (and by sultry eyes I mean, _Hey Remus, one day I'm going to kill you and stuff your body and keep it in my secret shrine along with that tissue you used to wipe your nose last year_, which, I suppose, is her version of "sultry") and with a little wave she was gone.

"Mr. Lupin, what are you still doing here?" Startled, I turned back to McGonnagal who was sitting in her desk and looking up at me with the look of disdain she had been wearing for the last ten minutes (and the award for the longest held emotion goes to…). I had forgotten about her in my fear of Lizzy.

"Er…nothing. I'm leaving."

"Good," she said with such pertness that I couldn't help but feel shameful.

I had to double back from my exit to add on, "Professor?"

"What _now_, Lupin?"

"Thank you."

There was a silence where McGonnagal scrunched her face so hard in confusion that I thought she should have become the poster child for lemon flavored Bertie Botts.

"I was trapped until you found us, you see, Lizzy was sort of attacking me. None of that was by my own free will."

Recovering, McGonnagal said, "Are you telling me Mr. Lupin that you couldn't handle yourself against a fifteen year-old girl whose magical capabilities are that of a toad?"

It was my turn to be shocked. Had she just deemed Lizzy a toad? (More importantly, had McGonnagal just accused me of being a priss? Yes, yes this was a valid accusation but _really_.)

"But she _scares_ me," I mumbled back.

"You're still not getting house points back," she said, smiling despite herself.

Well damn.

-------

"Moony?"

"What?"

"I'm sure that no one has even heard about what happened."

"Really?"

"…No……but Moony?"

"Yes?"

"You've still got a bit of gloss on your chin."

James, bless him, has never been one to offer comforting words. Well actually, none of my friends are. I'm usually the one shelling out words of comfort.

Well that blows.

Ah well, a man's got to go what a man's got to do:

It'll be alright Remus. Your reputation has not transformed into a miserable pile of shit and been flushed down the toilet (despite the fact that Peeves followed you from McGonagall's office to the Gryffindor tower screeching 'Loony Lupin's in the Loo!' at the top of his ghoulish lungs).

"Your detention can't be too bad, Moony," Peter consoled.

"Yes, well, that depends on whether you think that picking up rat and bird skeletons manually from the Owlery classifies as 'bad', as you so eloquently put it."

"Do you plan on talking to Sirius at all in the near future?" James looked at me reproachfully.

"No." No I will not be gracing the git who got me into this excrement in the first place with my conversations.

"Do you…plan on telling me why this is his fault in the first place? From the look of it, Lizzy Prewinns could just have a major thing for you mate."

"Could? She _does_. How can she handcuff our dear old Moony to a suit of armor and _not_ have a thing for him?" Sirius interjected as he walked into the room.

"But I still don't get how this is your fault," James persisted.

Sirius shot me a look of conspiracy, "Well, I was just helping Remus with a little girl problem."

This is it. When life is just one big pile of excretion, it goes and turns into a bigger pile of excretion. Entropy. There is a scarce conservation of hope.

Sirius was going to tell James. He was going to ruin me and all I could do to stop myself from imploding in misery was glare at him with all the anger I could muster.

"Seeing that our dear friend lacks experience with the opposite sex, I was being the good and well-intentioned friend that I always am and I asked Lizzy to show him a good time."

I didn't know whether to be grateful that he had not told James about Lena or insulted at his accusation.

Either way, I shot Sirius a look that clearly stated that no good intentions were worth being handcuffed by Lizzy Prewinns and subjected to her helium infested voice.

As I left the room for my detention with McGonnagal, Sirius called behind me, "You'll come around. You'll see."

-------

"Remus?"

"Yea?"

"Your elbows in my face."

"Er…right. Sorry about that. Better?"

"Yea, much. Remus?"

"Yea?"

"WHY THE BLOODY HELL ARE WE IN A BROOM CLOSET?"

And as if in answer to Calista's booming question, loud knocks sounded on the closet door, followed by a too-familiar, sickening voice, "Remus? Was that you I just saw running into the closet? Remus?"

"Is that…Lizzy Prewinns?" Cali looked at me with the hint of a smirk. "Are you running from her?"

"She handcuffed me to a bloody suit of armor. You try to recover from that!"

Cali seemed to sober up slightly, "You want me to tell her to go away?"

It's moments like these that make me thankful for my tactful friend Cali. Sirius, on the other hand, not so much.

"_Please_."

The knocks became slightly more persistent. Cali cleared her throat and said in a slightly out of breath voice, "Er…excuse me but, there's no Remus Lupin in here!"

Lizzy Prewinns' knocking stopped, but her voice restarted, "Calista Murdoc? Is that you?"

Cali glanced at me with worry, _go on_, I mouthed to her. "Yes, why do you ask?"

"Aren't you friends with Remus Lupin?"

"Y-yes…but he's not in here. And if you don't mind, I'd really like some privacy."

Silence. And then, "Are you sure he's not in there? I swear I just- "

"Yes I'm sure he's not in here. I'm in a two by two foot space, I think I would notice if another person was_ in_ here," Cali snappishly replied.

"Then what are you doing in there all alone?"

Again, silence. And there lay Cali's mistake. She hesitated.

"He's in there with you, isn't he?"

Cali looked at me with an expression of utter helplessness. _What do I do now_, she mouthed.

"_Is_ he?" Lizzy Prewinns voice had a hint of anger in it now.

"Look. I'm studying okay? Can you just leave me the hell alone?" And the lies resumed.

"You're studying in a broom closet? What about the library?"

"I WANTED SOME PRIVACY DAMNIT."

There was no reply. Cali and I looked at each other (seeing that there was not much else to do in the two by two foot space) until we were sure that there was no one outside the door (by measure of silence).

"Merlin, she is such a basket case. Can't she take a hint?"

I nodded my head in agreement, avoiding the comment floating in my head that only a real basket case would make an excuse like _I'm studying in a bloody broom closet_. Now was not the time to criticize the very person who had saved me from being mauled by Lizzy.

"You think she's still out there?"

Cali shrugged and we both pressed our ears to the door. Faintly, there was a rhythmic panting on the other side, as if someone's head was pressed against the door at the other end, listening closely.

Cali shuddered and quickly put the _muffliato_ spell on the door.

About thirty seconds went by of sheer awkwardness until Cali spoke up again, "Stop that. Stop slapping my ass!"

"I can't! This closet is too small to put my hands anywhere else and I'm not slapping your ass, I'm grazing it."

"Did you voice just squeak?"

"What? No."

"It did. You said, _I can't_, and it squeaked!" She imitated my voice with a little shriek and started laughing but here face fell again, "Alright, hands up."

"What?"

"You don't need to keep your hands _behind_ me. Put your hands up." She grasped my hands and pulled them up to height with my shoulders, making me look like I was submitting to arrest.

But before I could protest, the knocking started again. This time, Cali couldn't respond because of the _muffliato_ spell so she looked at me with a mixture of pity and amusement, "You should go out there. Sort things out…like a man."

"But I'm not a man. I'm a pathetic little boy!" It felt very strange to say that with my hands up and my face so close to hers. I was met with the urge to laugh but the urge was quickly stifled with fear as I heard the knocking once more.

Cali looked at me with frustration, "Pathetic. That, you are."

"C-can't we just stupefy her or something?"

"No! Remus, no we can't just _stupefy her or something_ you idiot! Why is it that you can't just _tell_ her? It would make your life so much easier if you'd just grow a pair of balls and actually confront someone!"

Cali's outburst was followed with a moment of silence until she said, "I'm sorry. I'm sure you have balls."

"I do okay? And they're huge," ignoring her raised eyebrows I continued, "And I _have_ confronted people! Wasn't it I who confronted your stalker third year?"

"By punching him!"

"Even so!"

Calista opened her mouth to retort but stopped abruptly, looked to the door, then said, "Fine. _I'll_ go out. _I'll_ tell her."

As she opened the door I cringed in the realization that there was nowhere to hide from this confrontation. Lizzy Prewinns stepped back in surprise, her hand still in a half-knock and I prayed to myself that her half-knock-fist wouldn't turn into a fist-in-face for me.

"Listen Lizzy," (is Lizzy capable of listening?) Cali said, "this is not what it looks like."

For a second I thought an alarm had gone off because the sound I was hearing was not within any human's vocal range but, of course, Lizzy had achieved a new frequency (what with all of that helium she's got stashed away).

"YOU WERE SNOGGING IN THE CLOSET?"

Actually, I was not able to discern that Lizzy had actually said this until Cali had clarified for me later because at the time it sounded like "OOWEROGINOSEL?"

But without any act of violence Lizzy left running, leaving me feeling a little sympathetic but mostly relieved.

"That went better than I thought it would," Cali said causally.

"Really? Because I think my ears are bleeding."

-------

"Everyone's looking at you mate," Peter stated through a mouthful of omelet.

"Yes, well, the whole school thinks Remus just shagged two girls in one day so I suppose there's a lot to look at," James grinned at me across the table. I for one was not pleased with the repercussions. Seeing that I had accomplished nothing in yesterday's alleged sexcapades (except for a perpetual state of fear since my encounters with Lizzy) there was not much for me to be happy about.

All day my back had been getting clapped by guys I scarcely knew in congratulations and a random group of fifth year girls started giggling when I left the bathroom this morning (who the hell just _stands_ outside of the boys bathroom?).

"But he _hasn't _shagged _anyone_," Cali said as she sat down next to me and started filling her plate with breakfast. "And for your information Remus, while you're enjoying this instant celebrity, I've been getting glared at all day by girls."

"_Really_?" Oops, I sounded too excited and now Cali was glaring at me, "I mean…I'm sorry about that. Hopefully this will wash over soon."

"But that's not the point is it?" Sirius continued excitedly, "You've got to take advantage of this while it lasts. You're going to be irresistible to all of the kinky one's mate."

Before I could respond (not that I planned to since I still wasn't talking to him) I heard a guttural clearing of the throat behind me and Cali and I turned around to face none other than -

"Lena!"

My voice cracked.

My voice cracked…it _cracked_. It jumped up three octaves past what was acceptable and now I sounded like a donkey.

I felt like flushing myself down a toilet.

There was too much blood in my ears to hear her response but I prayed it to be a casual 'Hi' back, instead of a 'My, my, my, aren't we finished with puberty yet?' kind of response.

I turned back to my half finished plate and stared into the pile of bacon as Lena handed James a letter that had accidentally been delivered to her.

And then she said something before leaving that kicked me down a little lower, "By the way Cali, you and Remus just make the _cutest_ couple!"

I looked back up to see four bemused expressions staring back at me, mirroring my own.

-------

"I am not your freaking girlfriend."

"I know."

"You hear that?" Cali stopped in front of a group sixth year girls from Ravenclawe outside the Great Hall, looking slightly deranged, "I am _not_ his freaking girlfriend!"

Suddenly, Sirius appeared behind her and grabbed her by the shoulders and hurried her away from the group, shushing her with impatience.

"You are _ruining_ the plan!"

Cali whipped around, "_What_?"

"You had this planned?" I interjected before Cali had a chance to continue on with a ramble (or more violent acts).

"Yes, I had this planned," Sirius beamed (I almost had the urge to patronizingly offer him a dog treat), "I had it planned all along."

The gears clicked sickeningly into place.

"You mean to say you planned Lizzy Prewinns and I getting caught by McGonnagal, me later avoiding Lizzy and hiding in a closet with Cali and extracting no sympathy from her to the point where she tried to confront Lizzy, which, in turn, turned into Lizzy suspecting the worst and getting her revenge by telling the school that I am a man whore? All in the name of getting Lena's attention despite the fact that this is probably the _wrong _type of attention?"

"Well…maybe my plan wasn't _all_ that intricate," he replied abashedly.

"All this because I wouldn't agree to pretend to being his girlfriend?"

"You've got to understand Cali," Sirius continued with a recharged steam, "it was for the greater good."

"And what, pray tell, would that be?" As Cali asked it I realized she would not be liking the answer about to come out of Sirius' mouth (as he is known for his great _tact_ and all).

"To get Remus shagged of course."

Abruptly Cali turned to me with a forced calm, "He's appalling."

"I know." Trust me Cali, _I know_.

"Is he always like that?"

"Unfortunately."

"That just sucks"

And because he was being ignored, Sirius had to interject, "You're just upset that you didn't catch on to the plan with your psychic abilities."

"I never _said_ I had psychic abilities!"

"_Fine_. Deny it all you - _**ow**_- what the hell was that for?"

"I'm trying this new thing called instant karma," and almost as an afterthought, she added, "seems to be working."

"Oh, you've tried this on a lot of people have you?" Sirius watched Cali prudently, rubbing his shoulder where she had punched him.

"No. Just you. But by the look on your face, it seems to be working," she turned back to me, "I've got to get my books. I'll see you later," but as another group of girls passed us, these ones glaring right at Cali, she changed her mind, "actually, maybe not. It's probably better that we're not seen together for a while."

Before waving goodbye Cali grinned at Sirius, "Karma's a bitch, isn't it?" And without waiting for a reply she left to go back towards the dormitories.

"That really _stung_," he said, sporting a befuddled expression and still rubbing his shoulder. "Oh look, _look_! Melissa Greenwell is smiling at you."

I looked to where he had pointed and saw the gorgeous Hufflepuff grinning back. Too bad she's got the mental capacity of a dead troll (because her idiocy cannot even be graced with a comparison to a living, breathing, functioning, 'I've-got-a-handle-on-my-motor-skills' troll).

"Maybe we can catch Lena's attention with _her_," Sirius continued.

"Don't you dare. Don't you dare make me go all 'instant karma' on your ass now."

I was not about to let _that_ piece of history repeat.

* * *

**One of my favorite things about reviews (besides that fact that you guys are so encouraging and helpful) is when you leave me your favorite quote from the chapter.** **It really helps me understand what's making people laugh and what, unfortunately, is not. **

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**Thanks!**


	5. Embracing the Awkward Moment

**A/N: A year later, another chapter. That seems horrible of me, but if you read my homepage you can partially understand why. Besides my computer crashing a while ago, I also realized that the summer is the only time I will ever be able to write my stories. And this chapter took three weeks to write. Sad, but true. I hope you guys still enjoy the stories, whenever they are updated. Have a happy summer!**

**POV: While I realize that some of you may be upset that this isn't a Remus-centric chapter, know that he will be back in upcoming chapters for larger amounts of time. After having taken so long to update this story, I lost a bit of Remus' voice and had to switch the POV for this reason. I also felt that there was a side of the story that needed to be told. I'm enjoying Cali's occasional quips, so plan on seeing her more often. I can't predict where or when I'll use the different perspectives; it depends on when one voice is louder than the other. And now I'm sounding like a mad hatter. Anyways, enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter Five: Embracing the Awkward Moment  
**

Remus' POV

"I see that you've been gazing at me in admiration all night across the common room."

"Excuse me?"

"It's okay Amanda, you don't need to be shy." He sat on the arm of the armchair and stretched his legs onto the table in front of him. Amanda looked disdainfully to where his feet landed on top of her books, "I know what you're thinking," he continued, "Big feet..." When Amanda didn't reply but only delivered a look of irritation, he faltered, "Ehrm…large shoes?"

Glaring, she pulled her books out from under his feet and stalked off to the girl's dormitories.

"Honestly Sirius, was that necessary?" I tried to smile at Amanda as she left as if to apologize for my tactless friend.

"Of course it was necessary!" He settled into the chair which the poor girl had peacefully occupied just moments before, stretching out his arms and legs, "This is the most comfortable chair in the commons!"

"Alright, so what did you drag me out of dinner for?" I asked in annoyance (beware, hungry werewolf).

"Well, it's James' birthday tomorrow, and I thought that, being his fantastic friends and all, we should give him a spectacular present."

I eyed Sirius with apprehension. The last time he suggested a 'spectacular present' Peter won a trip to the Hospital Wing covered in women's panties and various abhorrent bruises. "Does this 'spectacular present' involve a hooker of sorts?"

At first, he stared at me blankly, "Well, that was my first idea…but never mind, no, it does not involve a hooker of any sort…unless she's willing to…no probably not."

"Spit it out!"

"What does James want more than anything else in the world?"

"Madam Melon's Magical Malady for Unruly Hair?" Peter interjected excitedly (often times I have to wonder if Peter was birthed by a troll). With a puzzled look from Sirius and a quieting look from myself, he leaned back into the sofa, mumbling to himself about a certain 'pseudo afro needing taming'.

"No," Sirius said cautiously, still eyeing Peter with confusion, "He wants Lily."

"Right, that was my second guess," Peter attempted at redemption (at this point I was about ready to hit myself in the face with a mallet if it would get these two to shut up).

"That's brilliant Sirius. Now all we have to do is somehow lasso Lily and charm her into compliant mannequin that will sit through a date with James." I chuckled in spite of the terrible idea because I was entertaining the image of a furious red head being dragged around by Sirius by a rope (it's something he would wholly consider).

"Well, that was my first idea…" (see?), "but I thought of something even better." Before either Peter or I could ask, Sirius turned to the girl's staircase in excitement – Cali had just come from the dormitories. "Oye, psychic!"

She looked around the common room with a slightly pained look on her face. When her eyes landed on Sirius and realized the source of her embarrassment, she rolled her eyes and came to sit in the armchair opposite of Sirius. "_What_?"

There had been plenty of room next to Peter and me on the couch but I realized sheepishly that she was still bent on keeping a distance from me; Lizzy Prewinns had made it a point to _cough_ profanities at her anytime they passed in the corridors (though I don't know why she bothered coughing them, no one would mistake her screeching voice anyway, and now her coughs sounded more like high-pitched whistles…or a very entertaining squeaky toy).

"We have a task for you," Sirius replied, not heeding her exasperation.

"Oh yes master, I am ready for the _task_," she said mockingly.

"You are going to tell Lily Evans that you would like to go to Madam Rosmerta's tomorrow night."

"Of course, and would you like anything else master?" She broke her stony expression to unmask her annoyance, "What are you up to now?" This time she asked me (I have to admit, her gaze made me shrink into the couch…a little).

In answer to her misdirected question, he replied, "It's James' birthday tomorrow and a date with Lily would be the perfect present," he said a-matter-of-factly.

"…Alright, so if I here you right," she glanced at the three of us (I sensed a slight tinge of surprise in her voice), "you want me to lure Lily to Hogsmeade and trick her into enduring a date with James?"

"Yes," Sirius said. She looked, once again, between the three of us. Peter nodded and I shrugged awkwardly. A simple yet faulty plan; I was not going to put much stake into it.

She sighed, looking disturbed, "And I though instant karma would more effective," I heard her mutter to herself.

"So are you going to or not?" Sirius asked her impatiently.

Cali suddenly exploded, "What am I to you? Your transponder to gain access into the world of girls or something?"

"Well if you're so into titles, Bitchy von Freakenheimer."

"Absolutely not." Peter and I watched this tennis match of wills in silence; I waited for Sirius to concede.

"It's not for us," he leaned forward in earnest, "It's for James' birthday! What has he ever done to you?"

Cali looked miffed. A few seconds later she locked onto my eyes, raising her eyebrow (I suppose that was a cue to put in my two sickles). "You should do it… or at least try," I hastily corrected, knowing that the task would not be easy.

Cali nodded once, stiffly, "What am I supposed to tell her?"

"Whatever it takes," Sirius was smirking again, now in triumph. Cali only grimaced.

--

Cali's POV

Theoretically, in an ideal world, I should be the friend.

Not necessarily the man-pal who can relate to them on every sports game – but I serve as the pillar of sisterly advice. I'm supposed to be the gigantic prude. I can give advice, but I can't use it.

…Theoretically.

But what if I don't want to be?

I've had to give up on numerous preconceived notions of romance throughout my life. There's no man of mystery to sweep me away from the boredom. There's no ambivalent personality who can fire me up just right. There's no perfectly charming boy whose smile can erase all of the uncertainty.

I'm left with the reality of love, which is, it's a lot of work. People don't just _mesh_. A smile doesn't say it all and awkward moments are never romantic or even remotely cute. You have to find your comfort within the other person through the torturous process of actually getting to know them, which means they aren't the predetermined other half who you've somehow known your entire life. You ache most of the time.

Shit, it makes you want to give up entirely.

Well actually, I've been leading you on. I don't really need nor do I want to fall in love. I really just need a break from the monotony of single life. I cannot bear walking in on couples in broom closets, feeling like the third wheel, or purging on chocolate frogs every bloody Valentine's Day. For the sake of entertainment, I wish Merlin would just send me a boy. What would be just fabulous is a non-sticky snogging pal, as crude as it may sound.

My friend Alice has it all set out. She's single but occasionally she gets a good snog and tells me about its wonderful simplicity. So I live vicariously through Alice; but what about me?

I'm not exactly prudish but I have standards. And so what if my standards are slightly high? I can't help it that more than half of the poor sods walking around this school are more ape than man.

Which is why I currently hold little sympathy for Lily Evans, whose got a boy literally throwing himself at her - James quickly learned that mauling the girl you liked wasn't an efficient way to make her like you in our fifth year - while I've got neither ape nor man. Granted, James qualifies as more of an ape than man what with his mauling and what-not…but even so!

"Come on Lily, he's been asking you out for _so_ long," I consoled, as if James' sheer insistence had earned him a date.

I had given up on Sirius' plan of lying before even trying it. Yes, I could lie and probably get her to go, but I could be just as convincing with the truth. It's not my fault that Sirius and his friends lack tact. Besides, I have a horrible guilt complex when it comes to betraying a friend. I would probably end up having to buy Lily some outlandish present to make up for it, and I don't particularly feel like being bum-broke.

"I can't force it Cali. Every time he tries it's a hit and miss, we just don't _work_," Lily gave a sigh of exasperation, continuing to finger her Transfigurations essay which I knew she was itching to get back to.

"I know, I know," I pulled the essay away from her so she was forced to give me her full attention, "but it's his birthday! One, he's bound to be charming and all _gentlemanly_ on his birthday so you're experience would be relatively pleasant, and three, it's the day he was born! Doesn't he, by some default law of Merlin, earn a date?"

"Was there a second reason in there somewhere?"

"What?" I looked back blankly.

Lily waved her hand as if to dismiss her comment, "Never mind. I couldn't… it would be so awkward," she looked up suddenly with a conspiratory look, "unless you came with me."

This girl is just appalling; what do I look like, a chaperone? Is my life so miserable that I am being asked to go on other people's dates? "Yes. And while we're at it, why don't you just stay in and study while I just manage the whole date myself!"

"Really? Because that would be fabulous!" Lily grinned with triumph.

"Lily Evans," I said in my best authoritative voice.

She sighed and slumped back onto her pillow, "Fine, but you have to be there - "

"Lily!"

"And Remus, Sirius, and Peter can come if they must."

"You just turned a date into a motley crew."

"And now, if you don't mind, I must be getting back to my essay if I'm going to partake in this horrible mess tonight."

Resentfully I gave her back her essay, "If it's a horrible mess you want, it's a horrible mess you'll get."

--

Something was building up inside of him, he was about to speak, maybe he would deliver the perfectly charming line we'd been waiting for all night. With triumph, James asked, "Do you like cheese?"

I'm beginning to understand what Lily said about it being a hit and miss.

Gradually, the look of triumph turned into a sour look of defeat, as if James was even surprised in himself for reaching a new level of idiocy.

At this point, it was hard to cover up the incident with side conversations because the mere seconds of silence had overtaken the table. The awkward moment had us by the throats, quite literally.

And as if the table needed a higher dose of random and unnecessary comments, Peter spoke up. I'd like to think it was in defense of James. Perhaps he was trying to distract us all from the epic failure of his question. Still, I didn't think his interjection was all that pertinent.

"Did you know that if you mated a duck with a beaver, you would get a platypus?"

All heads at the table turned to Peter. I tried to fathom what had just come out of his mouth – no I tried to fathom the _purpose_ of what he had said, but logic failed me.

Remus looked flabbergasted, "Why are you telling us this?"

"Well it's a fact," Peter replied defensively.

Sirius frowned, "No, I thought it was a duck and a squirrel."

Remus and I shot each other a look of exasperation, but in the last moment his expression changed into a glare and he turned his head away from me to watch Sirius and Peter engage in their morbid conversation. Fine, if he'd rather stay mad at me and listen to those two idiots, then so be it.

"No, I think what you're thinking of is a flying squirrel, Sirius, which actually has nothing to do with a duck," Lena interjected, much to everyone's surprise.

Okay, so I brought Lena along to join the motley crew. Was that such a horrible thing to do of me? It was like hitting two birds with one stone. James and Lily, and Remus and Lena!

But I remembered when we had entered Madam Rosmerta's. The awkwardness took hold the second we came through the door. James' excitement mirrored my own; I had watched his dire attempts at swooning Lily and had an affinity for the underdog. Sirius looked smug, as usual. Peter's face was buried in his butterbeer. Remus looked on in horror.

Bringing Lena had been a last minute decision, but her presence was a double edged sword for the night. It provided a window of opportunity for Remus and it prevented Lily from being too harsh towards James in the company of his cousin.

I'm an evil genius, I know. Remus couldn't appreciate that, and chose to be irrationally angry with me throughout the night. Not to mention, he was an utter mess around Lena; he resolved to scarcely speak to her under the fear that he would make an ass out of himself. I contend that it would have happened with or without her here.

"I bet if you mated a rock and a pile of turd you would get Peter Pettigrew," James mumbled under his breath. Lily turned to him in surprise and started laughing; James was measurably elated by this response, and the two went back to their own side conversation.

Satisfied with the pair, I turned back to my right side, where Sirius and Peter were contemplating the result of mating a dragon with a banshee. Remus was still pointedly turned away from me, and as a result, away from Lena, who was sitting between us.

Lena smiled uncomfortably to me, "Um…Cali?" She lowered her voice to a whisper, "I thought you and Remus were…together."

If you've ever choked on a drink, you'll understand how unpleasant I felt when my nostrils began to sting – not to mention, I had to an answer unpleasant question. "NO!"

Once again, all of the side conversations came to an abrupt stop as everyone turned to me. In a considerably lower voice, I continued, "No, we were never together. That was a huge misconception on Lizzy's part."

"She seems to misconceive lots of things," Remus angrily muttered into his drink.

"Oh." Lena looked between Remus and I with apprehension, "I didn't mean to dig up any bad feelings."

"Nonsense Lena, you're fine," Sirius smiled encouragingly at her, but it was too late. The cloud of awkwardness had returned and now it hovered over us threateningly; I predicted a storm of silence.

When I saw James' forlorn face at the gradually deteriorating "date" I felt even worse. This was supposed to be his time to woo Lily, and we were merely making it worse. I tried to catch Remus' eye, but he was still avidly gazing into his mug. Sirius and I exchanged a look of urgency; he seemed to realize the situation. Now if only we could telepathically form an entertaining conversation to keep everyone rolling. Damn.

"So Cali, I heard from Brian Gleeson that you kiss like a nymphomaniac on death row."

Perhaps Peter was trying to come to James' rescue once again and salvage the conversation; nevertheless, I didn't appreciate the turn of the topic. It was too late to salvage my dignity now because everyone was breaking out into laughter or shouting phrases of "what?" and "no way" as they stared at me wide-eyed.

"I vote that you don't speak anymore," I vehemently hissed at Peter, but he only smiled jovially.

"Wait! You kissed Brian Gleeson? Who has a pebble collection?"

"The Brian Gleeson that made a model castle out of q-tips?"

"The one who keeps an extra pair of socks in his rucksack _just in case_? That Brian Gleeson?"

With each jeer I cringed and sank into my seat, but I didn't reply. What could I possibly say? Yet, the silence proved to be just as incriminating.

When the laughter subsided to a dull roar, Remus finally turned to me, "Explain." Oh good, now he speaks.

I looked around the table. They were waiting. My mind was grabbing for any defense, but I realize that there isn't much to defend when you kiss someone who has hair growing out of his ears.

Suddenly, my word vomit got the best of me, and I began to babble. "It was an accident. It didn't mean anything! I tripped into him and he thought it was a kiss. We were under the mistletoe. He was crying because he didn't get anything for Valentines day!"

"Are you going to pick a coherent time of year?" Sirius jibed, intrigued.

"Okay, so there wasn't any mistletoe. It was barely a peck. Actually I think I kissed the side of his mouth, more like his cheek."

"You're rambling. That means it's true," Remus smirked at me knowingly, "You definitely kissed him like a nymphomaniac on death row."

"Brian is exaggerating. He always does."

"Would you like to plant one on me Cali? Then I can go compare notes!" Peter received a well-deserved salt shaker in the eye.

"Well anything's an upgrade from his bloody practicing pillow," I said quietly. Now it was my turn to stare into my glass as the high spirits resumed.

When Lily and James had resumed their conversing I figured it was safe to look up. Sirius gave me an approving look, as if the salvation of the night had been a team effort. What a deluded idiot.

I shuddered slightly as Sirius, Peter, Remus, and Lena started a query on what the product would be if Brian and I were to mate.

Remus peered over Lena's shoulder to smile at me; evidently my humiliation had amended whatever I had done wrong before.

Sirius or Peter must have made a joke because at that moment she tossed her hair back and began to laugh. Suddenly, Remus was transfixed on her as if she was the only being in the room.

My stomach chose that moment to become inflamed. It felt as if flames were licking the lining of my insides. I wrapped my arms around myself and focused on the contents of my half-empty glass to calm my nerves. Perhaps I had some bad butterbeer?

--

I was back in the dorm. The five of us had left early to leave James and Lily to themselves. During the walk home Remus remained hopeless as he stuttered through a nonsensical conversation with Lena about Unicorns and lettuce. I'm still not quite sure how the two topics relate.

When I heard a click, I looked up to see who had just entered the dorm. I grinned when I saw a flustered Lily Evans leaning against the door, her cheeks slightly pink.

"_Well_?" I couldn't keep the caution out of my voice. She could be pink from running away, you never know with James.

"You know, I've experienced a wide range of emotions with James," she said, a bit dazed, "emotions from the angry side of the spectrum, mind you. But today…I think I felt butterflies."

I didn't interrupt, not wanting to break whatever epiphanic moment she was having. She continued, "I mean, at first I though it was nausea. That was plausible, right?" She didn't wait for my to answer, "But then, when we were walking back to the castle, he smiled at me and," Lily suddenly broke out into a grin and jumped into my bed, "We're going back out next week."

After our ecstatic squeals subsided, Lily bear-hugged me, "Thanks Cali. I mean, whatever happens with me and him… well, it doesn't matter. I had a great time tonight."

Still a bit skeptical, I had to ask, "You won't be needing a chaperone for the next date will you?"

Lily giggled as she changed into her pajamas, "No, that won't be necessary."

Relieved, I leaned back into my bad as Lily turned the lights out. Lily and James. Remus and Lena! Well, no, I didn't want to dwell on that pair. As images of Remus stuttering and Lena's discomfort danced behind my eyelids, the burning feeling in my stomach returned. I tried to stifle it with happier thoughts. I was imagining poofy veils, overflowing bouquets, dresses as bright as cupcakes – I would be the maid of honor, of course.

Try as I might I could not stifle the burning with any thoughts, so I turned onto my side and pulled my knees up to my chin, wrapping my arms around my legs. The emptiness within which had been fleetingly filled with the joys of my friends had been drained clean in order to welcome a new filling of desolation. I stuffed my head under my pillow and prepared for a restless night.

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**- Cetesy**


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